there is no right experience, but i have a right to experience it

by holden

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I decided to use a lot of quiet sounds that i found inside my house. Songs about being genderqueer or just not even human at all. At least i haven't been feeling like i fit in anywhere but that's alright because i'm trying to enjoy the experience of living rather than having an existential crisis every day. I think i'd rather live in an imaginary world in my head than freak out all the time. I'm too tired for that.


released November 10, 2014

Megan Malone for her poem in "small hands" and the title of the album
Zero day sample in "just sticks in the mud"
Monica Leon for the album cover



all rights reserved
Track Name: relapse after relapse after relapse
i don't feel too good i feel weird i need to slow it down
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
i don't want to be in this society
it's too much it's too much it's too much
everything i say is too complicated
i make it complicated
i need to stop making it complicated
Track Name: sometimes
put your cap on
don't forget to put your pants on
left myself at home
sometimes i'm not a girl
Track Name: the waiting room
been sleeping in the bed in the guest room
but mostly on the couch in the living room
the one regularly called the waiting room
because i guess i'm waiting
for something
Track Name: jack's ghost dance
"The mask was a thing on it's own, behind which Jack hid, liberated from shame and self-consciousness." -William Golding
Track Name: small hands
"i’ve taken every part of myself
and crammed it into the niches
of strangers’ bodies
when they aren’t looking.
i want to believe this is human connection,
i want to believe our sex
could be a conversation
and we aren’t speaking a different language
for once.

it’s a terrifying cycle
of carving out moments of my flesh
and sliding them down your throat
with my tongue
while you’re preoccupied
with my organs.
the only reason i’ve ever swallowed
your unborn children
is because i needed to distract you
while you tasted the most
traumatized parts of myself.
sex is an emptying process,
but i don’t think you’re meant
to feel less whole.
that’s the difference between you and i:
i do this to resurrect the nothingness,
the purity of myself before the regions
you conquered existed to my small hands.
my small hands.
my hands are still small
against you."

-megan malone
Track Name: the butterflies i gave myself
the one i romanticized

the butterflies i gave myself
and the emptiness
i carry it
it's not the accident
it's not that i'm a monster
i'm just scared

i'm building an imaginary world
i need to be grounded

I killed an ant and i felt so bad
i wanted to revive it
but i couldn't

i wonder where it would go
but that nobody knows
Track Name: indigestion
my stomach hurts and the words don't come out right
what's the point?
but also what's the point in asking
if everything is about creating?
but it's like i secretly want to create shit

the food i put inside myself isn't too good for me
but neither is the feeling of constant anxiety
that i get when i think about the world
but again what's the point in choosing to feel horrible?

i'd rather live peacefully inside my head
make a beautiful world that i don't dread
a place filled with love and happiness
one where i could fit