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there is no right experience, but i have a right to experience it

by holden

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1.
just sticks in the mud 03:50
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2.
relapse after relapse after relapse 02:16
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i don't feel too good i feel weird i need to slow it down i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i don't want to be in this society it's too much it's too much it's too much everything i say is too complicated i make it complicated i need to stop making it complicated
3.
sometimes 02:00
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put your cap on don't forget to put your pants on left myself at home sometimes i'm not a girl
4.
the waiting room 03:36
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been sleeping in the bed in the guest room but mostly on the couch in the living room the one regularly called the waiting room because i guess i'm waiting for something
5.
jack's ghost dance 01:59
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"The mask was a thing on it's own, behind which Jack hid, liberated from shame and self-consciousness." -William Golding
6.
bird calls 05:52
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7.
small hands 01:57
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"i’ve taken every part of myself and crammed it into the niches of strangers’ bodies when they aren’t looking. i want to believe this is human connection, i want to believe our sex could be a conversation and we aren’t speaking a different language for once. it’s a terrifying cycle of carving out moments of my flesh and sliding them down your throat with my tongue while you’re preoccupied with my organs. the only reason i’ve ever swallowed your unborn children is because i needed to distract you while you tasted the most traumatized parts of myself. sex is an emptying process, but i don’t think you’re meant to feel less whole. that’s the difference between you and i: i do this to resurrect the nothingness, the purity of myself before the regions you conquered existed to my small hands. my small hands. my hands are still small against you." -megan malone
8.
the butterflies i gave myself 03:19
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the one i romanticized the butterflies i gave myself and the emptiness i carry it it's not the accident it's not that i'm a monster i'm just scared i'm building an imaginary world i need to be grounded I killed an ant and i felt so bad i wanted to revive it but i couldn't i wonder where it would go but that nobody knows
9.
indigestion 03:20
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my stomach hurts and the words don't come out right what's the point? but also what's the point in asking if everything is about creating? but it's like i secretly want to create shit the food i put inside myself isn't too good for me but neither is the feeling of constant anxiety that i get when i think about the world but again what's the point in choosing to feel horrible? i'd rather live peacefully inside my head make a beautiful world that i don't dread a place filled with love and happiness one where i could fit

about

I decided to use a lot of quiet sounds that i found inside my house. Songs about being genderqueer or just not even human at all. At least i haven't been feeling like i fit in anywhere but that's alright because i'm trying to enjoy the experience of living rather than having an existential crisis every day. I think i'd rather live in an imaginary world in my head than freak out all the time. I'm too tired for that.

credits

released November 10, 2014

Megan Malone for her poem in "small hands" and the title of the album
Zero day sample in "just sticks in the mud"
Monica Leon for the album cover

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